A Digital Holiday Card

2024 reflections on everything from my first year of marriage to stray dog attacks to the illusion of job security to all of my rashes this year

Hello friends, and happy end of year from the raddiemoss hq ♡

I used to love receiving holiday cards in the mail from the sweet families who bothered to type out a three-pager of life updates and print it out on that cool holly-lined decorative paper. There’s always been something almost primal in me that is satisfied after sitting around in a circle with the people in my life, chronicling what everyone in our extended circles is up to and keeping tabs on the people we care about. I love updates about babies, graduations, family vacations, and reflections about the passage of time from anybody who bothers to take the extra moment to think one layer deeper about a year ending.

So in that spirit, here is an update from my world. I hope it inspires some of you to do the same, and if it does, send it my way!

Last November (2023), Sarah and I got married in Downtown LA. The wedding was more meaningful than I ever could have imagined. We actually secretly eloped a few months prior in Santa Cruz, with my dear friend Kelly and a local living outside the courthouse as our only witnesses. That day was incredible in its own right— it felt so private and cozy and totally focused on our love and commitment. My parents actually eloped and then formally married several months later, and they always told me growing up that the elopement was their favorite wedding of the two. It was something Sarah and I wanted to do from the moment we began wedding planning, because the process quickly can become about everyone and everything else when you’re making decisions about how to host a huge party.

So it surprised us as we drove back down the coast to LA, giddy and high off of our sense of romance and adventure and impulsiveness, that something felt a little empty. It became clear very quickly how important celebrating with our loved ones is to both of us.

On our wedding day, I woke up with a 102 degree fever. Sarah also was coming down with something. We loaded up with a potentially unsafe amount of Ibuprofen and Tylenol and got our asses down the aisle. Even though we were physically ill, I am not exaggerating when I say it was the happiest day of my life, and in many ways the most healing.

I had only been to one queer wedding in my life, and that was just a few months before our own. I’ve done a seemingly endless amount of writing, singing, talking, processing my queer pain and journey to self acceptance that I kind of thought by the time I got engaged that the fears and pain were behind me. But having a day where people from every corner of my life came out to actively support mine and Sarah’s love felt life changing. New level of happiness unlocked. It felt like a balm on old wounds I didn’t know still festered. The people who matter most showed up for me, for us, and I eagerly soaked up all the ways people told and showed us they supported our love that day.

Okay, now that I’ve set the scene and already typed more than I planned and talked about gay stuff, I can jump into actual 2024.

The week after we got married (wtf, I’m still in 2023), as we recovered from Influenza A, Sarah’s phone started blowing up. She got nominated for 4 Grammys! We kicked off the new year in celebration mode, and had the coolest time attending an award show that we’ve both fantasized about for our entire lives. Every year on New Year’s day, Sarah and I go to Malibu and set goals in our journal. Each year, she puts “win a Grammy” on there, and I got to watch her check that one off a few weeks into 2024!

Of course, life is not all picture-perfect or fun to share, like the horrible rash I got post-red carpet from my cheap boob tape. I think it took about 3 months and upwards of 5 doctor’s appointments before it went away. I also had a rough first quarter emotionally, during a time where I had planned on digging in and having some career momentum. On Valentine’s Day, Sarah and I were walking down the street when we got attacked by a large stray dog, and it shook my sense of safety pretty severely. That combined with a couple other events in sequence made me feel unsettled for the time ever living in a big city, and with Sarah traveling so much, I was a bundle of nerves living alone.

I’ve always been a pretty ~sensitive~ girly, and I’ve had my ups and down with anxiety and depression before. It can be tricky for me to diagnose, because I am pretty naturally social and have a bubbly personality, so I don’t display the most obvious symptoms. But I find it really hard to be productive when I’m feeling this way, and my energy is completely depleted. In these moments it feels like I have something broken in me, that I’m a lesser or weaker person, and that I’m too far behind or too far away from my goals and dreams to ever catch up. I end up taking my anger out on myself and being really critical about my own perceived “laziness” and deserved “failure”, which has a self-perpetuating effect.

This is where I give a huge shoutout to SSRI’s. I am SO lucky that they work well with my body chemistry and effectively treat my anxiety & depression. Every time I’ve ever gone on them, I’ve been skeptical, convinced that I don’t actually need them and it’s an over-exaggeration or extreme solution to something that I could overcome on my own. But every time, I start to feel like myself again within a few weeks, and it becomes clear how much of a burden that chemical imbalance had been on me. Having the leftover energy to focus on myself after fulfilling all of my daily life obligations is such a game changer and not something that is always accessible when I’m in an extended period of feeling low. Obviously consult your doctors and be smart bla bla bla, but if this is something you are considering, I encourage you to try it!

Once I felt like I got my mental health back on track after a few very difficult months, I had such an amazing Spring & Summer. I dove into session songwriting with a fervor I’ve never committed to before, teaming up with my amazing friend and creative partner Andy Rosen. It’s funny because I actually have a literal bachelor’s degree in pop songwriting, and have spent a decade working towards having a career writing for myself as an artist as well as for others, and yet I’ve always battled a crippling imposter’s syndrome that has kept me at arm’s length from this dream. But this year, with an amazing teammate at my side, Andy and I wrote many songs together with various other artists every single week. This experience was a dream come true, and a reminder of my own abilities as well as the wide open potential to commit to doing what I love and take a chance on myself.

Writing with other artists also reminded me how gratifying it is to get to be the artist, to have the final word on what stays and goes, what direction the song takes, what I really want to say. It’s honestly wild how many barriers we can sometimes set up for ourselves, but what a superpower it is to be able to express yourself authentically in this world.

Sarah invited me to open for her on tour in the Fall, and it gave me the push I needed to write and release some new Maddie Ross songs. I spent the Fall on the road with illuminati hotties doing the singular thing I love most - performing in front of new people and meeting folks all over the country. I took a small break in the middle of tour to see my friend Kelly marry the love of her life (yes, the same Kelly who helped Sarah and I elope in Santa Cruz). It’s difficult to convey how fulfilling it is have the opportunity to be out on the road in a suspended reality where human connection is heightened and our normal boundaries of self-containment are blurred. And to manage to do it in a way where I can still prioritize the people I love is beyond what I thought would be possible in this lifetime.

When I was in my early twenties, the idea of being married seemed really old and weird and far away. I didn’t know what it would look like, and the only model I really had for it my head was one that took me away from all of these dreams and goals I’ve had as an artist, songwriter and creative. One of the most amazing things about marrying Sarah, as I reflect on our first year of marriage, is how much closer she brings to me to living out my life goals. She lives her creative life as a daily practice, and she doesn’t see barriers — she is bold enough to write “win a Grammy” on her goal list, and hard-working enough to blaze a path where she can check it off. She doesn’t want me to set aside to set aside my dreams for something safer or more practical. And just as I would never ask her to do that because I can see her passion and talent and drive, she helps me see that I should never ask myself to do that. Choosing a life with her was in many ways choosing a life for myself where I have permission to keep chasing the elusive creative professional life. It has ignited my belief in and commitment to the pursuit.

I also have some very domestic dreams of having a family and home that undoubtedly will require me to make sacrifices and career/financial choices. This is something I probably will always be negotiating throughout my life. To be honest, I made less money this year than I have in a decade, and am further away than ever from paying down debt and saving any meaningful amount of money. I’m going to need to make some changes in the new year in order to square away these very real life obligations. But I have a lot more peace about this and no accompanying feelings of failure, because I know I have continued to honor my creativity and spirit. I know what a privilege it is to get to do the amazing things I’ve done this year. I know that financial & job security is an illusion no matter what kind of industry you’re in or paycheck you earn, and the only things you can’t ever get back are time and people. I know that there will always be ups and downs and more rashes, like the one I picked up on the Fall tour that kept me in a turtleneck for most of November and December.

So much has gone on domestically and globally that has made this year a dark and frightening one, and I do hope to engage more about these things on this platform, but in terms of a personal life updates: 2024 was a beautiful year for me in getting to build a life with Sarah, and build towards my future as an individual and as a couple/ family. What a privilege, indeed.

I can’t wait to write and share more in the new year. Thank you for following along. During this collective week of reflection, I am wishing you all joy, good health, and a snuggle from your favorite human or pet as you set future resolutions, but also sift through all of the wild things you’ve accomplished and overcome.

Love,

Maddie Ross

P.S. As I was typing this, Rolling Stone just shared their top 50 best Indie Rock albums of 2024. Check out wifey’s album POWER at #9!!! So proud of her and this brilliant work of art - one of my all-time favorites. And in the spirit of celebrating my accomplishments as a songwriter this year, it was an honor to do some co-writing on “Sleeping In” and “I Would Like, Still Love You” with my favorite person in the world.

As always, thanks for catching up with me. I will always keep this Substack free, but feel free to fuel more posts by buying me a matcha if you are so inclined💚